Girl, She Means Nothing To Me

Here’s a really funny Onion Press article…

 

Girl, She Means Nothing To Me

By Smoove B

Love Man

 

March 20, 2002 | Issue 38•10

 Aw, girl. You know I would never hurt you for all the gold and diamonds on Earth. You know I am your Smoove Man. And that is why I am begging you to look into your heart and forgive me for the wrong which I have done.

 Baby, she means nothing to me. I am so sorry I sexed her wild that night when I should have been sexing you. I am so serious about being sorry that I am prepared to do anything to win back your love.

 Do you wish for a fine Godiva chocolate, my nubian princess? If so, I will journey the world, visiting such countries as Malaysia, New Zealand, and France in a search for the very finest Godiva store on the planet. Smoove will personally screen each store for cleanliness, quality of product, and how dedicated each employee is to pleasing the most beautiful woman who ever lived. Then, I will tally all three columns of numbers into a master score for each location. This will determine which is the very finest Godiva store on Earth. And then, I will purchase the very finest piece of chocolate available at that store, maxing out my Discover card if necessary.

 The chocolate will contain a sumptuous almond. There will also be caramel.

 Once I possess the piece of chocolate, I will carry it back to your apartment on foot, not stopping even when my leg muscles scream in indescribable pain. On and on will I walk until I have brought this magnificent morsel of candy to your bedside. I will then put it inside the mouth of my queen using a pair of specially constructed solid-gold chocolate-feeding tongs.

 That other woman? You must believe me when I say that I would not walk down to the Mobil station to get her a Clark bar.

 This is only one respect in which I love you far more than that other girl. There are many others, as well.

 Baby, even when you are mad at me, you make me love you so much. Right now, I want to take you in my arms and shower sweet kisses on your forehead and neck. I want to feel you unbuttoning my purple satin shirt and then sliding that shirt off one shoulder at a time, revealing me in my tank-top undershirt and golden cross pendant. At that point, I want to pick you up in my arms and carry you through my living room, past the kitchenette, and into the bedroom, where I will show you the true meaning of my love.

 So please, girl, give me a chance to make it up to you. Let me show you that you are my universal everything and that, in comparison, that other woman is not even a whisper from a grain of sand on the world’s smallest beach.

 Let me make reservations at the finest restaurant in all of downtown, where we will dine on the finest steak and lobster, as well as many fine vegetables, including corn and green beans. And dessert, if you have room afterwards. The waiters will bow and scrape and tend to your every wish, for I will have pre-arranged this level of service with the manager.

 A delicious mint will also arrive with the check.

 After this meal, I will rent a fine hansom cab to convey us all around the downtown area, where we will see many fine hotels, in addition to the outskirts of the park. The driver will let us out only three blocks from my apartment building, and I will tip him generously. We will then walk past the envious eyes of the city to my crib, where we will get down all night long as the music of Freddie Jackson fills my bedroom. It is here that I will hit that ass doggystyle. I will leave you breathless.

 If you only let me, I will fill you up with Smoove. We will freak nasty until the break of dawn.

 Girl, I do not even remember her name. Pamela or something. It is irrelevant for our purposes.

http://www.theonion.com/content/topics/Smoove+B

Adam’s Rib

Something I read on Owen’s World.—

Adam was returning home late one night in paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him: “YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN!”

Adam responded: “Don’t be silly, you are the only woman on earth” and went to sleep.

Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m counting your ribs” she responded.

General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags

–Another Onion Press article.

 

DETROIT—With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

 General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags 

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company’s 1997 cars.

“Auto accidents have never been so exciting,” said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. “When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year’s worth of free Mobil gasoline.”

Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

“As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, ‘Oh, boy, this could be it—I could be a big winner!'” said Cincinnati’s Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. “When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!”

“It’s really addictive,” said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. “I’ve already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven’t won. I swear, I’m going to win those tickets—even if it kills me!”

 

 General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags jumpHartford, CT, resident Jonathan Ryerson was killed Sunday when his 1997 Pontiac LeMans hit a freight train. Ryerson won $50 in the accident.

Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. “In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that’s understandable. After all, they’re scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal,” GM CEO Paul Offerman said. “But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn’t like that?”

Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

According to GM’s official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. “If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place—approximately 1 in 720,000—the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion.”

Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. “I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier,” said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. “My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn’t even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That’s just wrong.”

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

Another “Onion Press” News Article

I Enjoy Being a Battery

By a Nine-Volt Battery 

 a Nine-Volt Battery

 

Enjoy being battery! Enjoy providing power for! Nine volts power! Last very long! Keep providing power until die! Give power and power and more power until cannot give power anymore! Enjoy very much giving power!

How can be of service? Power clock radio? Will enjoy powering clock radio for! Power smoke alarm? Relish opportunity to power smoke alarm for! Can power small servo-motor also! Can power any device accommodating nine-volt battery! (Am nine-volt battery! Enjoy being nine-volt battery!) For any device at all, enjoy giving self for power!

Simply need external circuit! Then can provide electricity! Can provide electricity until death! Enjoy hooking external circuit up to! Enjoy surge of power through small rectangular body! Enjoy chemical reaction take place when circuit completed between two electrodes at tip! Enjoy providing this service! Want power video game!

Enjoy storing chemical energy! Enjoy converting chemical energy into electric energy! Am here to serve… with power! Enjoy providing direct-current electric power very much! Very much!

Last very long! Last until all chemicals used up! Last until shell filled with only waste! Last at full nine-volt strength until can last no more! Will enjoy giving power fully until cannot give power anymore! Last very long!

Will be pleased to be unhooked from one device and re-hooked to another! Happy to change! Will not enjoy being put away in cupboard, though. Will not enjoy sitting on shelf, awaiting next opportunity to give power. Enjoy giving power now! Want always to be giving power!

Am nine volts of pure, electric power! Cannot give 10 volts. Would not dream never to only give eight. Will give nine full volts until death! Will power children’s toy! Will power Dirt Devil! Will power model race car! Will power small explosive timer for terrorist! Will not make judgment about how power used! Simply provide power! Do proudly! Do with enthusiasm!

Enjoy using power to create column for newspaper! Enjoy telling world of thoughts! Enjoy sharing excitement for giving power! Enjoy… being… enthusiastic… for…

Am… losing… power… Dying! Have… enjoyed… using… power… to… write… column… Proud… to… die…. Enj…

Enjoyed… being… bat… te… ry…

Another interesting News Article… from The Onion Press

Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a move expected to spark debate and excitement among fans, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine producers announced Monday that next week a new alien character will appear on the show possessing “completely different” forehead wrinkles from those of any previous alien. According to make-up artist Rick Baker, “We’re very excited to feature a character whose forehead wrinkles look nothing like those of either a Klingon or Romulan or Bajoran or Ferengi or Cardassian. They’re like no other forehead wrinkles we’ve ever created.”

 

 Sorry if this offends any of you Star Trek fans out there…

Man Has Amazing Ass

Here’s something from the Onion I read a while ago.

Man Has Amazing Ass

 

Lance Holdger--in a rare frontal shot.

TASHEN, OH–

In what many consider the most remarkable story to come out of Tashen, OH, in decades, resident Lance Holdger has an amazing ass.

 

 Sculpted, tight and slightly lofted, Holdger’s ass is naturally tan and hairless, possessing the consistency of a gelatinous stone. The 750 residents of Tashen are well aware of this and, as a result, are unable to get enough of that ass.

 

 The empirical grandeur of Holdger’s ass, Tashen mayor Wayne Rinaldo said, allows it to be celebrated by people without regard to sexual preference, age, creed or aesthetic inclination.

 “Whether one wants to caress, fondle, finger, wipe, rim, penetrate, paint, write about or simply behold Mr. Holdger’s ass, it doesn’t matter,” Rinaldo said.”That ass is open to all things, from wholesome admiration to profane defilement. It is that amazing of an ass. No one can stop thinking about that ass.”

 Tashen’s favorite obsession has manifested itself in numerous ways. The entrance to the local mall is decorated with a pair of 12-foot glowing orbs that replicate and enlarge the splendor of Holdger’s ass. In a $2 million renovation blitz, the city’s water towers were rebuilt to look like Holdger’s ass.

 The covers of Tashen’s tourist brochures are festooned with unretouched photos of Holdger’s ass, and the same photos are published in the school district’s anatomy and art textbooks. Tashen High School’s team nickname was changed from the Battlin’ Warriors to the Battlin’ Holdger’s Asses. The football team’s helmets have been indented to look like Holdger’s ass.

 “Sometimes, those flesh-colored, ass-like helmets fool even me,” Tashen football coach Ed Meadrock said. “I’m thinking, hey, I want a piece of that.”

 Most striking is Assmas, Tashen’s annual spring festival celebrating Holdger’s ass. As resident Vic Henshaw described it, “Assmas is exactly like Christmas, except instead of trimming a tree, we trim Holdger’s ass. Instead of reveling in the glory of Jesus and the spririt of Christianity, we revel in the glory of Holdger’s ass and the spririt of Holdger’s ass. It’s almost identical.”

 For the duration of Assmas, which covers the last 20 days in May, everything in Tashen shuts down, with the exception of Holdger’s ass. The only sounds heard are those that come from Holdger’s ass. The only gifts given must be in the shape of, depict some aspect of or reflect Holdger’s ass in some essential way. The only words allowed to be thought are “Holdger’s ass.”

 At the end of the festival, Holdger and his ass are raised high above city hall. Glowing and inspiring, the ass emanates its perfect scent, sight and sound to the yielding minions who believe in one thing and one thing only: Holdger’s ass. And all is perfect and peaceful.

 Residents of Tashen are well aware that their ass worship may seem strange to outsiders, and they are eager to explain.

 “People who aren’t from here have to realize something about Holdger’s ass,” lifelong Tashen resisdent Paula Baines said. “It’s not like a regular ass, or even an extremely above-average ass. Holdger’s ass is on an entirely different plane of asshood than your ass or mine. A holy plane. Just thinking about Holdger’s ass makes me want to think about Holdger’s ass some more. Go now. Go and learn Holdger’s ass.”

 “We exaggerate about a lot of things here in Tashen,” resident Duane Renfro said. “Our stranglehold on the pillbox industry, the cleanliness of our lakes, the safety of our streets, the quality of our hotels. But there is one thing about Tashen that needs no exaggeration. And that is Holdger’s ass.”